I've had big periods of loneliness over the past few years. Surprisingly, it wasn't due to COVID.
The thing is I don’t really fit in anywhere. Socially I feel like I’m not the same as everyone else. I’m always the odd one out in the group for a multitude of reasons. My interests are never the same as others, and without generalizing or sounding critical about society in 2022, I don’t like doing what most 20-year-olds in the world like doing. I’m super introverted, and although I would think I have a lot of interesting things to say, I can’t articulate it like most extroverts can. I can physically see my friends being closer and having more fun with each other than they do me, and it makes sense; they have more common interests, but is it like this with everyone? I’m yet to meet someone who I feel I could genuinely talk to and be myself in front of, without being put in a situation that I’m uncomfortable in, or just generally feeling out of place. It’s made me really insecure about who I’m friends with because I don’t like feeling uncomfortable, and I don’t like the feeling of seeing my friends slowly drift away from me because we don’t have as much in common as we thought.
Autophobia and loneliness aren’t really the same thing, but I seem to battle with either-or every day. I don’t want to be the odd one out; I want to be me and have relationships like others do with each other, but every time I put myself out there, I seem to emphasize the feeling of segregation more. I do try, I don’t want to be alone, but why should I try if I feel more and more lonely each time? It’s a dilemma of wanting to make friends and relationships so you’re not alone, but feeling like you’d rather be alone than feel out of place or feel some form of loss when things aren’t what you thought they were.
So how do you deal with it? I don’t know,
